Yes, I am one of Love's biggest fans, and I thought I had found it had come to finally with this most recent affair, but, alas, it seems that particular one was not meant for me. Still, I remain hopeful, because I know that out there, somewhere in this vast universe, is the one my heart belongs to, and find each other we will.
A few days ago I was watching a documentary by the title of Mind Science, on the subjects of extra-sensory perception, the existence of the soul, communication via the mind, remote viewing, all of which I think are perfectly natural abilities that most of us simply do not understand well enough to harness/manifest, and towards the middle of the film the topics of love and finding one's soul mate were broached. The woman presenting her ideas stated that somewhere out in the world is the person we are meant to be with, our twin flame, if you will, but we often miss the opportunity to find this one because of our tendency towards choice (without implying that choice is a bad thing). She explained that it is possible to attract this one we are meant to be with, to use our thoughts in order that we may raise the possibility of our paths crossing, and proposed the following exercise to do so:
Think of what it is to be/feel in love. Give yourself wholeheartedly to the moment and the emotion, truly knowing and believing that you are in love. Regardless of the fact that the one this emotion is reserved for may not be present, devote every cell of your being and every spiritual ounce to loving as though they were. She further noted that it is important not to be hung up on a romance that may currently not be working in your favor - get it out of your mind, break that tie, discard it, as it is not possible to truly feel the sort of love you are seeking while at the same time lamenting and holding on to something that is not meant to be. It will only cause negative interference to hold on to something that is painful because of its non-existence. Being completely given over to this emotion for what will be, and having let go of what is not, project the thought and feeling into the world as though it now were. Even though that soul mate may not physically be here at the moment, love as though they were - I love you and have been waiting for you, and I am happiest now that I have found you - and send this out into the universe believing wholeheartedly that the person this is meant for, whoever they are and wherever they might be, is receiving the message.
According to this speaker, the message will be received by the person it is intended for. Even though the recipient may not yet be identified by name or physical features, he/she has been identified by you as the one that already exists for the purpose of being united to you, and there can only be one such person. The effect this has, she says, is to literally create a sort of electrical field that will interact with that of the intended recipient, the soul mate. To do this, giving yourself over to it in complete belief of its possibility, will cause an unseen interaction that will with time lead the two to find each other. Somehow, it will cause the two paths to cross. But it is important to be able to distinguish between the one we are meant for, and those we feel we are compatible with. Sometimes we will meet a person with whom we carry on well, we have a physical attraction towards them, a sense of comfort when we are with them, and "realize" that a relationship with this person is possible and could even be successful so we give it a try - that person is not the one. The one will not only spark but surpass these thoughts and sentiments the moment he/she is encountered, and if we believe it truly this person will be encountered.
So, this all popped into my head yesterday while I was on a twenty minute drive, and I decided to give it a try. I was listening to Balmorhea so I was already in a relaxed state. I cleared my mind entirely except for the thought that there is someone in this world that is meant for me, and began feeling a conscious love for that person. I even began verbalizing it, telling this person I don't yet know that I've been waiting for her my entire life and was glad to have finally found her, and told her that I loved her. Memories were dredged up of what it is to feel wholely in love, but applied to this one that is meant for me. I kept this up, and all of a sudden an overwhelmingly beautiful burst of energy manifested itself. My chest felt electric, my mind completely lit up and I couldn't stop smiling! It was one of the greatest feelings I've experienced in a long time. It sounds strange, I know, but, whoever you are, if you chance upon this entry don't hesitate to try what's been explained. Even if you don't believe that it will actually attract the person that is meant for you, it might still induce a pleasant, fuzzy feeling. At worst you won't experience anything new at all, and you won't be any worse off than you were before you decided to give this a try. Cheers, to Love.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Dreaming, our (my) first results -
***,
Last night I tried to dream with you. I got into bed with headphones on and the sounds of rain, but that wouldn't let me sleep, so I pulled them out my ears. I laid in bed for a few minutes and thought of you, I focused on your beautiful face, meeting you by the entrance at the coffee shop, hugging you and kissing you and feeling your porcelain skin until I sank into a deep sleep. I got to a point in one dream where I was preparing to travel somewhere, and I knew it was to meet you, but I wasn't lucid and couldn't control the outcome of the dream. Later I dreamt I had two belly buttons, one above and deeper than my natural one, the natural one for some reason having a small pool of watered down blood in it...I have no idea what that means, if anything.
How did your sister's drop-off go? I hope all is well. I can't wait to see you, ---. You're with me everywhere I am. Let's try this dream thing again soon, by a bonfire in a forest.
Love,
n--
Last night I tried to dream with you. I got into bed with headphones on and the sounds of rain, but that wouldn't let me sleep, so I pulled them out my ears. I laid in bed for a few minutes and thought of you, I focused on your beautiful face, meeting you by the entrance at the coffee shop, hugging you and kissing you and feeling your porcelain skin until I sank into a deep sleep. I got to a point in one dream where I was preparing to travel somewhere, and I knew it was to meet you, but I wasn't lucid and couldn't control the outcome of the dream. Later I dreamt I had two belly buttons, one above and deeper than my natural one, the natural one for some reason having a small pool of watered down blood in it...I have no idea what that means, if anything.
How did your sister's drop-off go? I hope all is well. I can't wait to see you, ---. You're with me everywhere I am. Let's try this dream thing again soon, by a bonfire in a forest.
Love,
n--
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dreaming
To the one my heart belongs to:
I have an idea! A brilliant one as usual - have you seen the movie Inception, with Dicaprio? Want to try having dream meetings? We could pick a place we both know or make up a place with mutually agreed upon details and try to 'meet' there. What do you think? I think it would be a fun experiment. Let me know.
- - -
She said yes!
I have an idea! A brilliant one as usual - have you seen the movie Inception, with Dicaprio? Want to try having dream meetings? We could pick a place we both know or make up a place with mutually agreed upon details and try to 'meet' there. What do you think? I think it would be a fun experiment. Let me know.
- - -
She said yes!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
All things considered,
life is good. A little overwhelming, but good.
Thanksgiving Day was spent at home with my family, and my grandfather came to visit from Mexico. We did the traditional turkey thing, then they all started playing Loteria and I left to Moon Beans for a cup of coffee in the middle of nice, cool afternoon. My uncle Hector came to visit from Chicago that weekend, too, and we went to his place for bbq and cabrito, but I wasn't able to stay late. Everyone was drinking, and that's fine, no one gets backwards enough to cause a scene, but after a while I just wasn't comfortable anymore. I could see the disappointment in my uncle's face when I left around 10, but I had to leave. Being sober is, well, sobering. I can see now the effects alcohol has on peoples characters, and although when they first start drinking I'm perfectly able to carry on with them, after a while I'm just not close enough to their sate to find the night as fun as they do. On top of that, this Thanksgiving was the first holiday I spent with my entire family, without my dad and not drinking...it was just easier to remove myself from the situation, I suppose.
Let's see, what else is new...I don't really like my job at the building supplies store, but I am grateful to be employed. I don't think it's beneath me, no honest job is beneath any honest man and all work is honorable, but I just don't feel like I'm utilizing my mind to its fullest potential. It feels great when I help a customer make an informed decision on a product that affects such an intimate part of their life as their home or small business, but at the end of the day I'm not happy with what I do the majority of the time: organizing the stock room and replenishing the electrical section. Fortunately I have an interview on the 29th with an awesome communications company, which would really help me personally as an app developer...I can't wait! If you stumble upon this silly blog and read this far, please send out a prayer for me (what you call your God is not an issue for me, as I believe there is only one, no matter what we name it).
- - - - -
My California love, I just got done chatting with you about a half hour ago, and damn do I miss you. I don't tell you because if I did I would say it every time we communicate, and I don't want to be overbearing. I was getting along relatively well in my loneliness before we began talking to each other again, but as soon as we did you sparked an uncontrollable affection. You always have. You're beautiful, and I need you. Don't ask me why. I just do.
Thanksgiving Day was spent at home with my family, and my grandfather came to visit from Mexico. We did the traditional turkey thing, then they all started playing Loteria and I left to Moon Beans for a cup of coffee in the middle of nice, cool afternoon. My uncle Hector came to visit from Chicago that weekend, too, and we went to his place for bbq and cabrito, but I wasn't able to stay late. Everyone was drinking, and that's fine, no one gets backwards enough to cause a scene, but after a while I just wasn't comfortable anymore. I could see the disappointment in my uncle's face when I left around 10, but I had to leave. Being sober is, well, sobering. I can see now the effects alcohol has on peoples characters, and although when they first start drinking I'm perfectly able to carry on with them, after a while I'm just not close enough to their sate to find the night as fun as they do. On top of that, this Thanksgiving was the first holiday I spent with my entire family, without my dad and not drinking...it was just easier to remove myself from the situation, I suppose.
Let's see, what else is new...I don't really like my job at the building supplies store, but I am grateful to be employed. I don't think it's beneath me, no honest job is beneath any honest man and all work is honorable, but I just don't feel like I'm utilizing my mind to its fullest potential. It feels great when I help a customer make an informed decision on a product that affects such an intimate part of their life as their home or small business, but at the end of the day I'm not happy with what I do the majority of the time: organizing the stock room and replenishing the electrical section. Fortunately I have an interview on the 29th with an awesome communications company, which would really help me personally as an app developer...I can't wait! If you stumble upon this silly blog and read this far, please send out a prayer for me (what you call your God is not an issue for me, as I believe there is only one, no matter what we name it).
- - - - -
My California love, I just got done chatting with you about a half hour ago, and damn do I miss you. I don't tell you because if I did I would say it every time we communicate, and I don't want to be overbearing. I was getting along relatively well in my loneliness before we began talking to each other again, but as soon as we did you sparked an uncontrollable affection. You always have. You're beautiful, and I need you. Don't ask me why. I just do.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
- - -
Sometimes I really want to drink, and I think i'll be fine if I do. Then, visions come of what might happen, where I might end up if I take that first drink. The visions are limited both in number and nature, but they are not good.
I hate that alcoholism is considered by so many to be a disease, at least at AA meetings. If i chose to begin drinking and progressed to such a sorry state, how is it a disease? It isn't like cancer, which simply happens regardless of one's choice to have it or not. I hate that a drinking problem is classified as alcoholism, too. But what is it all, anyway? If the mind, or a part of it, is obsessed, is the bearer of such an obsession sick?
It's painful for me, and i find it ridiculous that it's painful and that hurts even more. I've put myself through a lot because of my drinking. The career i loved is gone, the Craft i love still i can no longer practice, because of my drinking.
I made a promise that if God helped me through this DWI ordeal i would not, will not ever drink again...or something like that. The promise actually went like this: God, if you help me make it through this, i promise i will never drink beer or liquor again.
'Get through this' is a somewhat arbitrary and very vague concept. What i was hoping for was a dismissal of my case, so i could teach and keep my good standing in the brotherhood. What i received instead was sobriety and the blinding clarity of where my life was and what it could be (the latter also being very open-ended), along with the realization that i could not continue drinking like i did and expect to have anything even remotely close to a positive outcome either in court or thereafter. That could be considered a sort of diving assistance, could it not? Liberation? Even though i was convicted and have lost damn near everything?
And so i'm dry as a desert mirage, have been for almost one and a half years. Because of the promise - i will never drink beer or liquor again...it isn't only that i'm under a sacred obligation which has kept me sober. As part of my probation agreement i am mandated to attend at least two AA meetings a week. That is a condition i am bound by law to fulfill, and will fulfill because i have no desire to spend any amount of time in prison. On top of that, though, i could not live comfortably with myself were i to be dishonest, to step into those halls and proclaim, 'My name is Noah and I've been sober for so long,' if in truth i were not.
But, back to the pain - what is the 'it' i am referring to when i write that it's painful for me, that i find even feeling such pain is ridiculous and only compounds the hurt? What hurts is that i feel as though I've willfully cast aside an old friend that i sometimes miss dreadfully, a friend with whom i would be perfectly within my right to rekindle a relationship if i so chose. And why not? After all, the promise was that i would never drink beer or liquor again, not that i would never drink wine (which was not my drink of choice and never caused me trouble). This is the pain, the willful abstinence from something that has caused me so much loss and disillusion even as my heart sometimes clamors for it...not my mind, but my heart. The feeling is akin to that which arises at the thought of a woman whose mere presence is intoxicating, a woman one cannot live without, yet to remain by her side is tantamount to eternal misery and certain doom - if i stay with her, i'll end up killing myself.
It makes no sense.
- - - - - - -
BB p.151
I hate that alcoholism is considered by so many to be a disease, at least at AA meetings. If i chose to begin drinking and progressed to such a sorry state, how is it a disease? It isn't like cancer, which simply happens regardless of one's choice to have it or not. I hate that a drinking problem is classified as alcoholism, too. But what is it all, anyway? If the mind, or a part of it, is obsessed, is the bearer of such an obsession sick?
It's painful for me, and i find it ridiculous that it's painful and that hurts even more. I've put myself through a lot because of my drinking. The career i loved is gone, the Craft i love still i can no longer practice, because of my drinking.
I made a promise that if God helped me through this DWI ordeal i would not, will not ever drink again...or something like that. The promise actually went like this: God, if you help me make it through this, i promise i will never drink beer or liquor again.
'Get through this' is a somewhat arbitrary and very vague concept. What i was hoping for was a dismissal of my case, so i could teach and keep my good standing in the brotherhood. What i received instead was sobriety and the blinding clarity of where my life was and what it could be (the latter also being very open-ended), along with the realization that i could not continue drinking like i did and expect to have anything even remotely close to a positive outcome either in court or thereafter. That could be considered a sort of diving assistance, could it not? Liberation? Even though i was convicted and have lost damn near everything?
And so i'm dry as a desert mirage, have been for almost one and a half years. Because of the promise - i will never drink beer or liquor again...it isn't only that i'm under a sacred obligation which has kept me sober. As part of my probation agreement i am mandated to attend at least two AA meetings a week. That is a condition i am bound by law to fulfill, and will fulfill because i have no desire to spend any amount of time in prison. On top of that, though, i could not live comfortably with myself were i to be dishonest, to step into those halls and proclaim, 'My name is Noah and I've been sober for so long,' if in truth i were not.
But, back to the pain - what is the 'it' i am referring to when i write that it's painful for me, that i find even feeling such pain is ridiculous and only compounds the hurt? What hurts is that i feel as though I've willfully cast aside an old friend that i sometimes miss dreadfully, a friend with whom i would be perfectly within my right to rekindle a relationship if i so chose. And why not? After all, the promise was that i would never drink beer or liquor again, not that i would never drink wine (which was not my drink of choice and never caused me trouble). This is the pain, the willful abstinence from something that has caused me so much loss and disillusion even as my heart sometimes clamors for it...not my mind, but my heart. The feeling is akin to that which arises at the thought of a woman whose mere presence is intoxicating, a woman one cannot live without, yet to remain by her side is tantamount to eternal misery and certain doom - if i stay with her, i'll end up killing myself.
It makes no sense.
- - - - - - -
BB p.151
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Words I can't yet share with you
Your absence leaves me wanting, wondering. When will you return? When will you return to me? There are a million things you could accomplish with your life, a million and one with me by your side. I want to change the world with you, Jen. I want us to sing together, go round the world exploring our love as we explore each new continent, help others live better and more fulfilling lives, show the world what love can be and do when it is given the opportunity to flourish. I want my life to be yours so that i may finally live and i want desperately to share these words with you, but I dare not send them for fear of overwhelming you and pushing you away. May the Sun shine on you this morning where you are. May it light your path and warm your heart like I've not yet been able to, and may it guide you safely back to me.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
When I Rise
How sweet it is to rise as the dawn comes
with kindly warming rays to lift the veil of night,
when all my dreams of you have reached their sum
and you, who give them life, come into sight,
for no amount of dreams could e'er suffice
to bring the joy that comes with seeing you,
nor could a slumbering vision e'er contrive
a beauty such as yours each night anew.
But waking brings an ever-present love
embodied in the woman of my dreams,
a love unmatched below or e'en above,
a love the gods themselves could scarce conceive,
and rising draws the nightly ours near
with hope to dream again the one so dear.
with kindly warming rays to lift the veil of night,
when all my dreams of you have reached their sum
and you, who give them life, come into sight,
for no amount of dreams could e'er suffice
to bring the joy that comes with seeing you,
nor could a slumbering vision e'er contrive
a beauty such as yours each night anew.
But waking brings an ever-present love
embodied in the woman of my dreams,
a love unmatched below or e'en above,
a love the gods themselves could scarce conceive,
and rising draws the nightly ours near
with hope to dream again the one so dear.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
My dearest, sweetest, most beautiful girl...
was the opening to the letter for the one my heart belongs to. A little over two years ago when i left to DFW i cut her out of my life. We've known each other about ten years and there's always been a spark of romance, but for just as long she has hesitated to grant me the privilege of being hers for fear of "ruining a good friendship." I offered then to decline the job offer in Farmers Branch and stay here so we could be together but she wouldn't accept it, so i deleted her from my contacts lists, stopped communicating with her altogether and left.
About two years later to the day I came back to South Texas from DFW, and about a month and a half after my arrival I awoke to find a message from her in my inbox. Two days after that we went out, and it was the most beautiful experience i've had in a long time. The magnetism was there and as strong as ever, her smile and her eyes, as always, completely took me out of this world and into one where there were only the two of us, and her lips on mine brought my heart back to life. I've always loved her, and she knows this because i've never hesitated to say it...i just hope she meant it when she told me she'd like to give us a chance one day, and i hope it's soon.
For now, she's in California. She had already made plans to go west for two months, but took the time to find me a week before her departure and i'm glad, a much happier man for it even if she isn't next to me right now. I sent her a letter November 1st. Here's the portion that relates exclusively to her and me along with a poem:
I can't begin to find the words to explain
with speech or pen, how you outglow the moon,
or how the sun competes against you'n vain
to outshine you from its rising 'til the noon.
Great Helios, with valiant darting steeds
has not your strength to illumine my day,
just as each night the radiant Selene
to light my way has insufficient rays,
and Boreas, approaching from the north
with winds to chill our hearts and passions freeze,
will never have the power to give forth
a warming breath like yours to bring me ease.
And what of Morpheus, who reigns our sleep?
He's lost his throne to you in every dream.
You asked before you left, why you? The truth is that just as you described what you felt when you first saw me, well, i felt exactly the same for you, and more after we began to know each other. Everything about you is beautifully intoxicating to me - your voice, your words, your lips and the feel of your skin, even your sometimes brash pronouncements and plaguing insecurities - all of it is lovely, and all of it what i've always wanted. Even when I was dating N------, remember the time she and i met you at Newman's? When we left for home that evening she asked if she had any reason to fear my leaving her for you. Naturally I said no, but the truth is i have always loved you. You said you know dozens of women who would kill for my skin, my eyes, my lips - well, i know countless men would do just the same for yours...i am one of them, and i hope one day i can be so blessed as to have them for myself alone.
I miss you, J--, and my only hope tonight is to receive news of you and see you soon, and know that my words have found you well.
All my love, always,
n--
About two years later to the day I came back to South Texas from DFW, and about a month and a half after my arrival I awoke to find a message from her in my inbox. Two days after that we went out, and it was the most beautiful experience i've had in a long time. The magnetism was there and as strong as ever, her smile and her eyes, as always, completely took me out of this world and into one where there were only the two of us, and her lips on mine brought my heart back to life. I've always loved her, and she knows this because i've never hesitated to say it...i just hope she meant it when she told me she'd like to give us a chance one day, and i hope it's soon.
For now, she's in California. She had already made plans to go west for two months, but took the time to find me a week before her departure and i'm glad, a much happier man for it even if she isn't next to me right now. I sent her a letter November 1st. Here's the portion that relates exclusively to her and me along with a poem:
I can't begin to find the words to explain
with speech or pen, how you outglow the moon,
or how the sun competes against you'n vain
to outshine you from its rising 'til the noon.
Great Helios, with valiant darting steeds
has not your strength to illumine my day,
just as each night the radiant Selene
to light my way has insufficient rays,
and Boreas, approaching from the north
with winds to chill our hearts and passions freeze,
will never have the power to give forth
a warming breath like yours to bring me ease.
And what of Morpheus, who reigns our sleep?
He's lost his throne to you in every dream.
You asked before you left, why you? The truth is that just as you described what you felt when you first saw me, well, i felt exactly the same for you, and more after we began to know each other. Everything about you is beautifully intoxicating to me - your voice, your words, your lips and the feel of your skin, even your sometimes brash pronouncements and plaguing insecurities - all of it is lovely, and all of it what i've always wanted. Even when I was dating N------, remember the time she and i met you at Newman's? When we left for home that evening she asked if she had any reason to fear my leaving her for you. Naturally I said no, but the truth is i have always loved you. You said you know dozens of women who would kill for my skin, my eyes, my lips - well, i know countless men would do just the same for yours...i am one of them, and i hope one day i can be so blessed as to have them for myself alone.
I miss you, J--, and my only hope tonight is to receive news of you and see you soon, and know that my words have found you well.
All my love, always,
n--
--- --- ---
Honestly, i don't know why i put these things out here for others to read. It isn't like i advertise this blog or give my friends the address so they can read, it's all just kind of floating around in cyberspace for people to stumble upon. But it's therapeutic to let it all out, and maybe, just maybe someone out there is of a similar mind and spirit as me and can relate. I just hope it's her.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Letter to a Friend
H-----,
Sorry i didn't respond to your first message, but i have to respond to the second one. I've been working on weeding people out of my life who i feel i don't need...not that you're unneeded, but we did meet thanks to certain unsavory parts of our pasts and sometimes that's something i would rather not think about. But the reason i can't do that with you and felt i should respond to your second message is that the night before you sent it i dreamt of you.
For some reason we were both back at SAFP, and i have in my mind the persistent thought that our stay was only to be a week long, but i can't say for sure if that was true in the dream. We were doing well and looking forward to being released soon, when all of a sudden we were both facing the electric chair - i have no idea why. It seemed to me we were in some sort of cafeteria, being observed by a large group of people, and i was the first to arrive at the chair - i was electrocuted, and died and came back to life! Then it was your turn, and it was complicated and without such a propitious outcome as mine.
I observed the ordeal. Your limbs were strapped to the chair for sentence, but you were given an opportunity to elude its execution in the following way: when one of the executioners struck a match to light some unknown object, or perhaps just the match itself, you could somehow escape before its combustion. By disappearing, or unstrapping your limbs and walking off, or simply opening your eyes? I don't know how, but you had the opportunity to escape the punishment, something i did not have but still managed to do. You were sitting, strapped to the chair while at a distance the match was struck and set aflame, and i tried yelling that it was about to happen so you could save yourself but you wouldn't acknowledge me or open your eyes and the process began. The chair swiveled round and reclined as if to form a table you were now lying on, and i could see your right leg twitching. And you were dead, and in the morning i had a message from you.
I have no idea what to make of it, or any of my other dreams, but they've been extremely vivid for the past couple weeks. It coincides that shortly before my dreams became so i knocked my head pretty hard on the floor, but whether or not the head trauma has anything to do with my dreams coming alive again i don't know. Sometimes what i dream is overwhelming, at other times outright frightening. There was also another night or afternoon within the past week when i was in bed dozing off, and it felt as though i were leaving my body when i was suddenly slung back into it and snapped back to consciousness, and i think it happened again last night. I know there are times when one is between a conscious and unconscious state and comes to with a start,but these occurrences were nothing like that. Sometimes i'm lucid in my dreams, too. I'm not controlling them, but am consciously analyzing them as they unfold. I have no idea what to make of any of what i've written so far.
Other than all this, i'm well. Of course, the "free world" isn't quite so free, but i'm healthy, have a job that allows me to fulfill my basic obligations, and i look forward to the brighter days ahead. I recently went to my first probation appointment and am still waiting to have my after-care scheduled, which i'm really not looking forward to, but it's only temporary. I'm hoping my probation officer was able to obtain a travel permit for me to visit my great-grandfather in Mexico this weekend for his 100th birthday...really hope it pans out. Oh, and i just got a new laptop and am working on having my first Android application finished and in the Play Store by the end of the year. It's going to be awesome, and I'm going to make obscene amounts of money.
What about you? How's life in...Te-------? I look forward to reading that all is well, as you're "free" and it seems to be. Take care and write soon.
Your friend,
n--
Sorry i didn't respond to your first message, but i have to respond to the second one. I've been working on weeding people out of my life who i feel i don't need...not that you're unneeded, but we did meet thanks to certain unsavory parts of our pasts and sometimes that's something i would rather not think about. But the reason i can't do that with you and felt i should respond to your second message is that the night before you sent it i dreamt of you.
For some reason we were both back at SAFP, and i have in my mind the persistent thought that our stay was only to be a week long, but i can't say for sure if that was true in the dream. We were doing well and looking forward to being released soon, when all of a sudden we were both facing the electric chair - i have no idea why. It seemed to me we were in some sort of cafeteria, being observed by a large group of people, and i was the first to arrive at the chair - i was electrocuted, and died and came back to life! Then it was your turn, and it was complicated and without such a propitious outcome as mine.
I observed the ordeal. Your limbs were strapped to the chair for sentence, but you were given an opportunity to elude its execution in the following way: when one of the executioners struck a match to light some unknown object, or perhaps just the match itself, you could somehow escape before its combustion. By disappearing, or unstrapping your limbs and walking off, or simply opening your eyes? I don't know how, but you had the opportunity to escape the punishment, something i did not have but still managed to do. You were sitting, strapped to the chair while at a distance the match was struck and set aflame, and i tried yelling that it was about to happen so you could save yourself but you wouldn't acknowledge me or open your eyes and the process began. The chair swiveled round and reclined as if to form a table you were now lying on, and i could see your right leg twitching. And you were dead, and in the morning i had a message from you.
I have no idea what to make of it, or any of my other dreams, but they've been extremely vivid for the past couple weeks. It coincides that shortly before my dreams became so i knocked my head pretty hard on the floor, but whether or not the head trauma has anything to do with my dreams coming alive again i don't know. Sometimes what i dream is overwhelming, at other times outright frightening. There was also another night or afternoon within the past week when i was in bed dozing off, and it felt as though i were leaving my body when i was suddenly slung back into it and snapped back to consciousness, and i think it happened again last night. I know there are times when one is between a conscious and unconscious state and comes to with a start,but these occurrences were nothing like that. Sometimes i'm lucid in my dreams, too. I'm not controlling them, but am consciously analyzing them as they unfold. I have no idea what to make of any of what i've written so far.
Other than all this, i'm well. Of course, the "free world" isn't quite so free, but i'm healthy, have a job that allows me to fulfill my basic obligations, and i look forward to the brighter days ahead. I recently went to my first probation appointment and am still waiting to have my after-care scheduled, which i'm really not looking forward to, but it's only temporary. I'm hoping my probation officer was able to obtain a travel permit for me to visit my great-grandfather in Mexico this weekend for his 100th birthday...really hope it pans out. Oh, and i just got a new laptop and am working on having my first Android application finished and in the Play Store by the end of the year. It's going to be awesome, and I'm going to make obscene amounts of money.
What about you? How's life in...Te-------? I look forward to reading that all is well, as you're "free" and it seems to be. Take care and write soon.
Your friend,
n--
Sunday, November 4, 2012
redirection
For my few followers and non-followers alike, those who may at some point stumble upon this blog i've never advertised and yet for some reason resurrect...how things have changed. Maybe some part of what i've put myself through will entertain or help you, and if not, then at the very least writing it might help me.
The last two years and nine months have been trying. Could I describe them as having been hell? I don't think I could, but they certainly have been painful. My last entry here was from Friday, March 25, 2011, written in Lewisville, TX. I had already been living there since late September of the previous year, sharing an apartment with my step-sister. Drinking had become a daily part of my life - it was uncontrollable, painful, an imagined solution to a very real problem that arose out of my inability (or unwillingness) to deal with other trials i had romantically concocted.
I moved to Lewisville from Mission, TX, in 2010, and a family member's friend had offered me a job as a teaching assistant at a charter high school. I had been trying for months to find a decent job in the RGV, but with no success...perhaps because i really wasn't trying. I had come back from Taiwan February of 2009, lived off a hefty tax return and a little money saved from teaching abroad, and empty handed, without the woman i loved and for whom i'd traveled east to begin with. With her living in the west coast, too far away to help subdue my passions, i had already started drinking, often and well into the night, occasionally having playful slapping matches with Josh, the best friend i have. It's amazing, i think now, how i allowed my mind to turn my life into a fairy tale involving love lost and financial hardship to justify how much i drank, but i did. Then in January of 2010 the man i knew as my father passed away and i had another reason to continue drinking, and more now.
I took over his much loved liquor collection - brandy, vodka, tequila, scotch and a couple cases of Shiner, it was all mine, and there was nothing i enjoyed more than staying awake into the morning hours downing these alone. Really, it didn't make me happier, but like i said i romanticized what are otherwise normal life situations...oh, the pain! How hard it is to be me, to live this way! These were thoughts i had when i was drunk, as until then I was still relatively happy and had a generally positive outlook on life. But with Dad's passing, well, i kind of used the event to just piss all over my life. I made myself depressed with how much alcohol i consumed when i consumed it, rolling my woes over in my mind and glamorizing my suffering as though i were the only man alive who had ever been through such trials...the woman i love is half a country away, i can't find suitable employment, the only father i've known is dead, woe, woe, woe is me! I offered my mother to move back in with her to keep her company and help her through the tough and lonely times ahead...i really did want to help her, but i confess i also needed help. My drinking escalated, i began getting violent with certain people when we drank together, and in not too long a time i was running low on money. There was a brief time when i worked as an insurance broker and earned enough, but i couldn't live with cheating strangers out of their hard earned money so i quit that job.
Dad passed away in January, i worked as a broker from mid-February 'til about June, and i borrowed money until i departed for Lewisville that September to live with my step-sister and work as a teaching aide.
Many good things happened when i moved to north Texas. I loved my job, i made amazing friends, i was passed and raised, brought from darkness fully into the Light of my beloved Craft by men i'd come to know and love as Brothers. All this, and i couldn't, wouldn't quit drinking. As the beginning of the new year and first anniversary of Dad's death neared i used that as a reason, but looking back i know that was nothing more than an excuse to justify what i did, and on the night of January 21, 2010, that first anniversary, I was stopped and arrested for my third DWI. Scared beyond belief, i quit drinking for about a week, until the gravity of the situation fully set in and i then had a fourth reason to continue drinking. Every day for four months i wore a mask - at work i was someone my students trusted and could come to for help, in society i was a respectable man who gave of his time to the community, but when i wasn't involved in either of these at the end of the day i was drowning. Sometimes i wore the mask badly and it was suffocating. Worst of all, it didn't let me see the brick wall i was about to hit.
May 25, 2011, after those four months, i made my first court appearance. Sure, I was scared witless due to the nature of the charge and used it as an excuse to drink myself into a stupor every night, but i was yet confident my attorney could get me off the hook - after all, i had been driving perfectly and was never told by the arresting officer why i was stopped to begin with (at 2:30 a.m.), i clearly remembered having aced the field sobriety tests, and i couldn't possibly have been above the BAC limit (despite how much i drank) because i had already stopped before midnight...i couldn't have been more wrong. I was stopped because another driver called 911 after i almost swerved into his vehicle (i listened to the recording), i had failed the field sobriety tests miserably (i saw the video), and my BAC was almost three times the limit...
How the hell could this happen to me!? I drove back to work, my license suspended by then, but could not function and couldn't stop crying. How will i tell my little brother that i'm going to prison? My mother and my grandfather, who's also been like a father to me but had no idea what i was putting myself through, how will they take the news? I was hoping to be a licensed teacher in the coming school year, and what will happen to that? What about the Craft, what will happen with that? God damn this shit!
It took about a week, during which i was severely drunk and depressed, but i did quit drinking. Sure, i felt terrible that i could have hurt someone, but i quit mostly because i realized it would be impossible to survive this ordeal if i didn't. I payed a few thousand dollars for out-patient treatment, regularly attended AA meetings when i ran out of money to pay for that other stuff, had letters of support written by truly outstanding people and kept in constant contact with my attorney to pressure the DA but nothing worked, and on September 7 i was given two choices: two years in state jail, or three months in county before going to SAFP for six more and then about nine years of probation. Well...two years and then i'm done, that does seem like a pretty attractive offer...then again, i'm one of the biggest hippies in the world and would never survive the gladiator farm, plus it would be torture for my mother and grandfather to know i'm there...county, SAFP, half-way house and probation here i come!
To make an already arduously long story short, these past two years and nine months have been the most painful yet rewarding stretch of time in my life. It's madness, i know! But it's true...i've lost the career i was aspiring to (i'd made up my mind to be a math teacher), i can no longer help my community through the Craft i was a part of, i've lost some friends, but i'm finally myself and those who truly love me are still a part of my life. I've learned more than i ever thought i could from spending time with crazy, sober alcoholics. Sometimes i think that after a few years of sobriety i'll be able to enjoy a glass of wine again, i fantasize about this...why the hell not, if my problem wasn't with wine but with beer and liquor? But i think i finally know the truth - the next drink i take will be the first nail in a coffin that won't take long to build and bury. It really angers me, because i want to have a good time with a beer in my hand again like i sometimes used to. Slapping matches with Josh were fun, and so was 9-ball and pool parties and barbecues with bottomless coolers on the beach but, again, i know the truth, and it scares the shit out of me. The truth is that i can't control myself, that i've evolved well past the point of being a social drinker who's happy with having only one or two or three. Taking another drink in the future, sure, i'll be fine for a short while, but it won't take long for one or two drinks to turn into an uncontrollable instinct to drink myself stupid. On top of that, i'm the kind of asshole drunk who wants to be in control of everything and won't let a friend drive me home, and if i'm lucky i'll end up with a fourth DWI and in prison for the rest of my life...if i'm not lucky, i'll end up hurting an innocent person and in prison the rest of my life.
My worry used to be, "I've got two DWIs, i have to be really careful or i'll get a third and lose everything..." Today that thought has morphed into something more like, "Wow, i'm a felon and have lost almost everything...i guess there's nowhere left to go but up." It's fuckin hard sometimes, but we'll see where this takes me.
I can't quite call myself a Christian, but what the hey, it's a good song:
The last two years and nine months have been trying. Could I describe them as having been hell? I don't think I could, but they certainly have been painful. My last entry here was from Friday, March 25, 2011, written in Lewisville, TX. I had already been living there since late September of the previous year, sharing an apartment with my step-sister. Drinking had become a daily part of my life - it was uncontrollable, painful, an imagined solution to a very real problem that arose out of my inability (or unwillingness) to deal with other trials i had romantically concocted.
I moved to Lewisville from Mission, TX, in 2010, and a family member's friend had offered me a job as a teaching assistant at a charter high school. I had been trying for months to find a decent job in the RGV, but with no success...perhaps because i really wasn't trying. I had come back from Taiwan February of 2009, lived off a hefty tax return and a little money saved from teaching abroad, and empty handed, without the woman i loved and for whom i'd traveled east to begin with. With her living in the west coast, too far away to help subdue my passions, i had already started drinking, often and well into the night, occasionally having playful slapping matches with Josh, the best friend i have. It's amazing, i think now, how i allowed my mind to turn my life into a fairy tale involving love lost and financial hardship to justify how much i drank, but i did. Then in January of 2010 the man i knew as my father passed away and i had another reason to continue drinking, and more now.
I took over his much loved liquor collection - brandy, vodka, tequila, scotch and a couple cases of Shiner, it was all mine, and there was nothing i enjoyed more than staying awake into the morning hours downing these alone. Really, it didn't make me happier, but like i said i romanticized what are otherwise normal life situations...oh, the pain! How hard it is to be me, to live this way! These were thoughts i had when i was drunk, as until then I was still relatively happy and had a generally positive outlook on life. But with Dad's passing, well, i kind of used the event to just piss all over my life. I made myself depressed with how much alcohol i consumed when i consumed it, rolling my woes over in my mind and glamorizing my suffering as though i were the only man alive who had ever been through such trials...the woman i love is half a country away, i can't find suitable employment, the only father i've known is dead, woe, woe, woe is me! I offered my mother to move back in with her to keep her company and help her through the tough and lonely times ahead...i really did want to help her, but i confess i also needed help. My drinking escalated, i began getting violent with certain people when we drank together, and in not too long a time i was running low on money. There was a brief time when i worked as an insurance broker and earned enough, but i couldn't live with cheating strangers out of their hard earned money so i quit that job.
Dad passed away in January, i worked as a broker from mid-February 'til about June, and i borrowed money until i departed for Lewisville that September to live with my step-sister and work as a teaching aide.
Many good things happened when i moved to north Texas. I loved my job, i made amazing friends, i was passed and raised, brought from darkness fully into the Light of my beloved Craft by men i'd come to know and love as Brothers. All this, and i couldn't, wouldn't quit drinking. As the beginning of the new year and first anniversary of Dad's death neared i used that as a reason, but looking back i know that was nothing more than an excuse to justify what i did, and on the night of January 21, 2010, that first anniversary, I was stopped and arrested for my third DWI. Scared beyond belief, i quit drinking for about a week, until the gravity of the situation fully set in and i then had a fourth reason to continue drinking. Every day for four months i wore a mask - at work i was someone my students trusted and could come to for help, in society i was a respectable man who gave of his time to the community, but when i wasn't involved in either of these at the end of the day i was drowning. Sometimes i wore the mask badly and it was suffocating. Worst of all, it didn't let me see the brick wall i was about to hit.
May 25, 2011, after those four months, i made my first court appearance. Sure, I was scared witless due to the nature of the charge and used it as an excuse to drink myself into a stupor every night, but i was yet confident my attorney could get me off the hook - after all, i had been driving perfectly and was never told by the arresting officer why i was stopped to begin with (at 2:30 a.m.), i clearly remembered having aced the field sobriety tests, and i couldn't possibly have been above the BAC limit (despite how much i drank) because i had already stopped before midnight...i couldn't have been more wrong. I was stopped because another driver called 911 after i almost swerved into his vehicle (i listened to the recording), i had failed the field sobriety tests miserably (i saw the video), and my BAC was almost three times the limit...
How the hell could this happen to me!? I drove back to work, my license suspended by then, but could not function and couldn't stop crying. How will i tell my little brother that i'm going to prison? My mother and my grandfather, who's also been like a father to me but had no idea what i was putting myself through, how will they take the news? I was hoping to be a licensed teacher in the coming school year, and what will happen to that? What about the Craft, what will happen with that? God damn this shit!
It took about a week, during which i was severely drunk and depressed, but i did quit drinking. Sure, i felt terrible that i could have hurt someone, but i quit mostly because i realized it would be impossible to survive this ordeal if i didn't. I payed a few thousand dollars for out-patient treatment, regularly attended AA meetings when i ran out of money to pay for that other stuff, had letters of support written by truly outstanding people and kept in constant contact with my attorney to pressure the DA but nothing worked, and on September 7 i was given two choices: two years in state jail, or three months in county before going to SAFP for six more and then about nine years of probation. Well...two years and then i'm done, that does seem like a pretty attractive offer...then again, i'm one of the biggest hippies in the world and would never survive the gladiator farm, plus it would be torture for my mother and grandfather to know i'm there...county, SAFP, half-way house and probation here i come!
To make an already arduously long story short, these past two years and nine months have been the most painful yet rewarding stretch of time in my life. It's madness, i know! But it's true...i've lost the career i was aspiring to (i'd made up my mind to be a math teacher), i can no longer help my community through the Craft i was a part of, i've lost some friends, but i'm finally myself and those who truly love me are still a part of my life. I've learned more than i ever thought i could from spending time with crazy, sober alcoholics. Sometimes i think that after a few years of sobriety i'll be able to enjoy a glass of wine again, i fantasize about this...why the hell not, if my problem wasn't with wine but with beer and liquor? But i think i finally know the truth - the next drink i take will be the first nail in a coffin that won't take long to build and bury. It really angers me, because i want to have a good time with a beer in my hand again like i sometimes used to. Slapping matches with Josh were fun, and so was 9-ball and pool parties and barbecues with bottomless coolers on the beach but, again, i know the truth, and it scares the shit out of me. The truth is that i can't control myself, that i've evolved well past the point of being a social drinker who's happy with having only one or two or three. Taking another drink in the future, sure, i'll be fine for a short while, but it won't take long for one or two drinks to turn into an uncontrollable instinct to drink myself stupid. On top of that, i'm the kind of asshole drunk who wants to be in control of everything and won't let a friend drive me home, and if i'm lucky i'll end up with a fourth DWI and in prison for the rest of my life...if i'm not lucky, i'll end up hurting an innocent person and in prison the rest of my life.
My worry used to be, "I've got two DWIs, i have to be really careful or i'll get a third and lose everything..." Today that thought has morphed into something more like, "Wow, i'm a felon and have lost almost everything...i guess there's nowhere left to go but up." It's fuckin hard sometimes, but we'll see where this takes me.
I can't quite call myself a Christian, but what the hey, it's a good song:
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