A thought experiment and a strange, new sensation

Yes, I am one of Love's biggest fans, and I thought I had found it had come to finally with this most recent affair, but, alas, it seems that particular one was not meant for me. Still, I remain hopeful, because I know that out there, somewhere in this vast universe, is the one my heart belongs to, and find each other we will.

A few days ago I was watching a documentary by the title of Mind Science, on the subjects of extra-sensory perception, the existence of the soul, communication via the mind, remote viewing, all of which I think are perfectly natural abilities that most of us simply do not understand well enough to harness/manifest, and towards the middle of the film the topics of love and finding one's soul mate were broached. The woman presenting her ideas stated that somewhere out in the world is the person we are meant to be with, our twin flame, if you will, but we often miss the opportunity to find this one because of our tendency towards choice (without implying that choice is a bad thing). She explained that it is possible to attract this one we are meant to be with, to use our thoughts in order that we may raise the possibility of our paths crossing, and proposed the following exercise to do so:

Think of what it is to be/feel in love. Give yourself wholeheartedly to the moment and the emotion, truly knowing and believing that you are in love. Regardless of the fact that the one this emotion is reserved for may not be present, devote every cell of your being and every spiritual ounce to loving as though they were. She further noted that it is important not to be hung up on a romance that may currently not be working in your favor - get it out of your mind, break that tie, discard it, as it is not possible to truly feel the sort of love you are seeking while at the same time lamenting and holding on to something that is not meant to be. It will only cause negative interference to hold on to something that is painful because of its non-existence. Being completely given over to this emotion for what will be, and having let go of what is not, project the thought and feeling into the world as though it now were. Even though that soul mate may not physically be here at the moment, love as though they were - I love you and have been waiting for you, and I am happiest now that I have found you - and send this out into the universe believing wholeheartedly that the person this is meant for, whoever they are and wherever they might be, is receiving the message.

According to this speaker, the message will be received by the person it is intended for. Even though the recipient may not yet be identified by name or physical features, he/she has been identified by you as the one that already exists for the purpose of being united to you, and there can only be one such person. The effect this has, she says, is to literally create a sort of electrical field that will interact with that of the intended recipient, the soul mate. To do this, giving yourself over to it in complete belief of its possibility, will cause an unseen interaction that will with time lead the two to find each other. Somehow, it will cause the two paths to cross. But it is important to be able to distinguish between the one we are meant for, and those we feel we are compatible with. Sometimes we will meet a person with whom we carry on well, we have a physical attraction towards them, a sense of comfort when we are with them, and "realize" that a relationship with this person is possible and could even be successful so we give it a try - that person is not the one. The one will not only spark but surpass these thoughts and sentiments the moment he/she is encountered, and if we believe it truly this person will be encountered.

So, this all popped into my head yesterday while I was on a twenty minute drive, and I decided to give it a try. I was listening to Balmorhea so I was already in a relaxed state. I cleared my mind entirely except for the thought that there is someone in this world that is meant for me, and began feeling a conscious love for that person. I even began verbalizing it, telling this person I don't yet know that I've been waiting for her my entire life and was glad to have finally found her, and told her that I loved her. Memories were dredged up of what it is to feel wholely in love, but applied to this one that is meant for me. I kept this up, and all of a sudden an overwhelmingly beautiful burst of energy manifested itself. My chest felt electric, my mind completely lit up and I couldn't stop smiling! It was one of the greatest feelings I've experienced in a long time. It sounds strange, I know, but, whoever you are, if you chance upon this entry don't hesitate to try what's been explained. Even if you don't believe that it will actually attract the person that is meant for you, it might still induce a pleasant, fuzzy feeling. At worst you won't experience anything new at all, and you won't be any worse off than you were before you decided to give this a try. Cheers, to Love.

Dreaming, our (my) first results -

***,

Last night I tried to dream with you. I got into bed with headphones on and the sounds of rain, but that wouldn't let me sleep, so I pulled them out my ears. I laid in bed for a few minutes and thought of you, I focused on your beautiful face, meeting you by the entrance at the coffee shop, hugging you and kissing you and feeling your porcelain skin until I sank into a deep sleep. I got to a point in one dream where I was preparing to travel somewhere, and I knew it was to meet you, but I wasn't lucid and couldn't control the outcome of the dream. Later I dreamt I had two belly buttons, one above and deeper than my natural one, the natural one for some reason having a small pool of watered down blood in it...I have no idea what that means, if anything.

How did your sister's drop-off go? I hope all is well. I can't wait to see you, ---. You're with me everywhere I am. Let's try this dream thing again soon, by a bonfire in a forest.

    Love,
      n--

Dreaming

To the one my heart belongs to:

I have an idea! A brilliant one as usual - have you seen the movie Inception, with Dicaprio? Want to try having dream meetings? We could pick a place we both know or make up a place with mutually agreed upon details and try to 'meet' there. What do you think? I think it would be a fun experiment. Let me know.

- - -

She said yes!

All things considered,

life is good. A little overwhelming, but good.

Thanksgiving Day was spent at home with my family, and my grandfather came to visit from Mexico. We did the traditional turkey thing, then they all started playing Loteria and I left to Moon Beans for a cup of coffee in the middle of nice, cool afternoon. My uncle Hector came to visit from Chicago that weekend, too, and we went to his place for bbq and cabrito, but I wasn't able to stay late. Everyone was drinking, and that's fine, no one gets backwards enough to cause a scene, but after a while I just wasn't comfortable anymore. I could see the disappointment in my uncle's face when I left around 10, but I had to leave. Being sober is, well, sobering. I can see now the effects alcohol has on peoples characters, and although when they first start drinking I'm perfectly able to carry on with them, after a while I'm just not close enough to their sate to find the night as fun as they do. On top of that, this Thanksgiving was the first holiday I spent with my entire family, without my dad and not drinking...it was just easier to remove myself from the situation, I suppose.

Let's see, what else is new...I don't really like my job at the building supplies store, but I am grateful to be employed. I don't think it's beneath me, no honest job is beneath any honest man and all work is honorable, but I just don't feel like I'm utilizing my mind to its fullest potential. It feels great when I help a customer make an informed decision on a product that affects such an intimate part of their life as their home or small business, but at the end of the day I'm not happy with what I do the majority of the time: organizing the stock room and replenishing the electrical section. Fortunately I have an interview on the 29th with an awesome communications company, which would really help me personally as an app developer...I can't wait! If you stumble upon this silly blog and read this far, please send out a prayer for me (what you call your God is not an issue for me, as I believe there is only one, no matter what we name it).

- - - - -
My California love, I just got done chatting with you about a half hour ago, and damn do I miss you. I don't tell you because if I did I would say it every time we communicate, and I don't want to be overbearing. I was getting along relatively well in my loneliness before we began talking to each other again, but as soon as we did you sparked an uncontrollable affection. You always have. You're beautiful, and I need you. Don't ask me why. I just do.

- - -

Sometimes I really want to drink, and I think i'll be fine if I do. Then, visions come of what might happen, where I might end up if I take that first drink. The visions are limited both in number and nature, but they are not good.

I hate that alcoholism is considered by so many to be a disease, at least at AA meetings. If i chose to begin drinking and progressed to such a sorry state, how is it a disease? It isn't like cancer, which simply happens regardless of one's choice to have it or not. I hate that a drinking problem is classified as alcoholism, too. But what is it all, anyway? If the mind, or a part of it, is obsessed, is the bearer of such an obsession sick?

It's painful for me, and i find it ridiculous that it's painful and that hurts even more. I've put myself through a lot because of my drinking. The career i loved is gone, the Craft i love still i can no longer practice, because of my drinking.

I made a promise that if God helped me through this DWI ordeal i would not, will not ever drink again...or something like that. The promise actually went like this: God, if you help me make it through this, i promise i will never drink beer or liquor again.

'Get through this' is a somewhat arbitrary and very vague concept. What i was hoping for was a dismissal of my case, so i could teach and keep my good standing in the brotherhood. What i received instead was sobriety and the blinding clarity of where my life was and what it could be (the latter also being very open-ended), along with the realization that i could not continue drinking like i did and expect to have anything even remotely close to a positive outcome either in court or thereafter. That could be considered a sort of diving assistance, could it not? Liberation? Even though i was convicted and have lost damn near everything?

And so i'm dry as a desert mirage, have been for almost one and a half years. Because of the promise - i will never drink beer or liquor again...it isn't only that i'm under a sacred obligation which has kept me sober. As part of my probation agreement i am mandated to attend at least two AA meetings a week. That is a condition i am bound by law to fulfill, and will fulfill because i have no desire to spend any amount of time in prison. On top of that, though, i could not live comfortably with myself were i to be dishonest, to step into those halls and proclaim, 'My name is Noah and I've been sober for so long,' if in truth i were not.

But, back to the pain - what is the 'it' i am referring to when i write that it's painful for me, that i find even feeling such pain is ridiculous and only compounds the hurt? What hurts is that i feel as though I've willfully cast aside an old friend that i sometimes miss dreadfully, a friend with whom i would be perfectly within my right to rekindle a relationship if i so chose. And why not? After all, the promise was that i would never drink beer or liquor again, not that i would never drink wine (which was not my drink of choice and never caused me trouble). This is the pain, the willful abstinence from something that has caused me so much loss and disillusion even as my heart sometimes clamors for it...not my mind, but my heart. The feeling is akin to that which arises at the thought of a woman whose mere presence is intoxicating, a woman one cannot live without, yet to remain by her side is tantamount to eternal misery and certain doom - if i stay with her, i'll end up killing myself.

It makes no sense.

- - - - - - -

BB p.151

Words I can't yet share with you

Your absence leaves me wanting, wondering. When will you return? When will you return to me? There are a million things you could accomplish with your life, a million and one with me by your side. I want to change the world with you, Jen. I want us to sing together, go round the world exploring our love as we explore each new continent, help others live better and more fulfilling lives, show the world what love can be and do when it is given the opportunity to flourish. I want my life to be yours so that i may finally live and i want desperately to share these words with you, but I dare not send them for fear of overwhelming you and pushing you away. May the Sun shine on you this morning where you are. May it light your path and warm your heart like I've not yet been able to, and may it guide you safely back to me.

When I Rise

How sweet it is to rise as the dawn comes
with kindly warming rays to lift the veil of night,
when all my dreams of you have reached their sum
and you, who give them life, come into sight,

for no amount of dreams could e'er suffice
to bring the joy that comes with seeing you,
nor could a slumbering vision e'er contrive
a beauty such as yours each night anew.

But waking brings an ever-present love
embodied in the woman of my dreams,
a love unmatched below or e'en above,
a love the gods themselves could scarce conceive,

and rising draws the nightly ours near
with hope to dream again the one so dear.