I'm having chest pains...

of the non-physical kind.

The absence of time

Not one day's passed during which i've not thought,

no sun yet set without my having seen -

that day by Heaven's generous grace was brought,

as i saw then your eyes' untempered sheen.

Eternity, it seems now to have been,

a dread absence of time without you spent

in which my heart's desires, they would careen

to one such as yourself to me being sent,

and thoughts like these would not pass or relent,

in nights of deepest dark would not abate

and even now, when light seems imminent,

i am awake with you in mind of late.

Such whim should be reigned o'er, sense says

but no, let heart and mind be runaways.

My dreams

Two poems had been written to date on a recurring theme manifested in certain dreams. The first poem (Twice have i seen you) was written and posted on this blog16 June 2010, the second (To have that dream be you) on 15 July 2010. The third, and final, poem (Stay, that you not leave) was experienced towards the end of July, written today 4 August 2010, and is included in the body of this post.

In the first dream I saw a woman, radiant, whom I knew but could not name or recognize - her face was Light. In the second i faced the same frustration, and awoke with the hope that it would be a certain one. In the last there was a face, and though an unfamiliar one i knew who she is.

Here they are then, what has been, and continues to be, my frustration, what i hope will be your pleasure, maybe even inspiration.

____________________________________________________________________

(1) Twice have i seen you

Twice have i seen you now

as through a foggy dream

so near to me you draw,

and yet have i no name to call,

no face in Day's light seen

to which i may assuredly avow -

Two times to me you've come,

and twice is my heart gone.

Hence am i once more left,

to further dread my wake

and anon hold to sleep

as that one last reprieve,

during which i may take

you into my arms 'til then bereft

of you, but then never again,

if smiled upon by Providence.

____________________________________________________________________

(2) To have that dream be you

To have that dream be you,

what would i not deny?

That you may know,

pay heed

with your heart's sight

that i may show -

the heavens, Earth and seas,

my very life,

all these by you

are naught to me.

And if in that sweet dream

i were to see a face,

and God yours let it be,

may He me save

and i be deemed,

for ever and eternally,

to your love's servant be.

There is naught i would not do,

you know,

to have that dream be you.

____________________________________________________________________

(3) Stay, that you not leave

I ask you, love,

come not to me

again

but if you must,

i beg, then,

stay.

Come to me

not, in dreams

of day or

night or other

forms of thought.

Come to me

not at all,

but stay,

lest you should

leave again.

To have that dream be you

To have that dream be you,

what would i not deny?

That you may know, pay heed

with your heart's sight

that i may show -

the skies and Earth and seas

when by you are naught to me.

And if in that sweet dream

i were to see a face -

and God Yours let it be! -

may He me save

that i be deemed,

forever and eternally,

to your life's servant be.

(There is naught i would not do,

you know,

to have that dream be you.)

- continued from: Twice have i seen you -

Twice have i seen you

Twice have i seen you now

as through a foggy dream

so near to me you draw,

and yet have i no name to call,

no face in Day's light seen

to which i may assuredly avow -

Two times to me you've come,

and twice is my heart gone.

Hence am i once more left,

to further dread my wake

and anon hold to sleep

as that one last reprieve

during which i may take

you into my arms 'til then bereft

of you, but then never again

if smiled upon by Providence.

-----

-----

A sweet dream, they were

The word Kalee hates

It's dichotomy. She finds the sound of it severely irritating, its utterance unnecessary or misapplied 99.9% of the time. I think it can be aptly applied to the nature of man or, my own.

Saturday i went out with Karla and Zara. We went to a nice bar/restaurant downtown that had good, and tasteful, live music. It was almost one in the morning when Z decided to bar-hop and look for her most recent lover, so K and i went along with her. While at the last bar on Z's list K and i left the balcony and went in for a few minutes. On the way out again I held the door open for her to exit first, and as i was about to step out myself a really cute girl is making her way in - we stopped right in front of each other, she took a good look at me, then she turned around and started dancing, grinding her rear into my crotch.

Dichotomy: found in my sentience.

The animal in me wants to grab her by the hips and sway to her rhythm - she's cute, having fun, and a potential good time later on.

My higher self is disgusted and pushes her away forcefully. It would have been more gentle, had she not clung.

I do my best not to use the word hate; it's too strong a word. One thing i do hate wholeheartedly, though, is the music played in places like that club, and the attitudes that come along with it. For example, the rap where men glorify the objectification of women, or songs by female - so called artists - that vulgarly pander to men's most basic instinct. Most of what is said in such songs is experienced internally by many, but to express these thoughts in such perverse ways, and to glorify it, to try to sell these fantasies as art and a viable way of living...it makes me uncomfortable to be surrounded by people who find no fault in such things. There is no profundity in such blather, no peace to be found in its petty lyrics, and i am reminded again of why i don't frequent such places.

This girl, in a different context, i might have found genuinely attractive, but to see her so moved by such words, to have her move against me in a way one would normally do only privately - i am not, and hope to never be, comfortable with this.

Karla thinks i should loosen up and just have fun. I disagree, choosing one part of the dichotomy over the other.

Living on a maybe

Friend 1: I'm taking off, I'll see you tomorrow.

Friend 2: Okay - will you be shooting pool with us tomorrow?

F1: Maybe.

F2: I'll call you tomorrow before we go. I'll probably see you here, right? Are you coming tomorrow?

F1: I don't know, maybe.

F2: i see - you're livin on a maybe.

F1: Yeah, kind of.